Particle physics research

Nobel Prize Escapes Hokey Pokey Research Again

TOM CARPENTER Columnist

Dr. Hans Hoffmann, Lefty Horowitz Professor of Physics at the Biloxi School of Bartending, has again been denied the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Hoffmann has been a member of the BSB physics faculty since 1971, where his research has focused on the role the Hokey Pokey plays in the Great Unified Field.

“This is yet another huge disappointment for Dr. Hoffmann and our beloved Biloxi School of Bartending,” said BSB President Bill “Jingles” Kaplan. “Hoffmann’s stature as a world-class authority on Hokey Pokey and Unified Field Theory attracts many postdoctoral students and researchers to Biloxi. He is a gentle man and an excellent dancer.

Asked about this latest disappointment in his office overlooking the oil refinery lab across Cobb Quad, Hoffmann said, “I think I deserve one. I’ve been studying the Hokey Pokey since I first heard the Ram Trio recording in 1949.”

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The 2022 Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded for research on entangled photons. Hoffmann’s reaction was “Acute gastrointestinal discomfort. I thought it was the jalapenos I ate for lunch. Then I thought, “No, I can’t take this yearly surveillance anymore. What is this stuff, “entangled photons”, anyway? He sent a “scathing postcard” to the Nobel committee and took out a quarter-page ad in the campus newspaper.

When reminded that the Nobel committee never changed a decision, Dr Hoffmann said: “Sometimes you just need to put your right foot in and get your fighting foot out.”

Hoffmann’s quest for the Nobel Prize in Physics began in 1953 as a graduate student at Correspondence Schools, Inc., when he was developing his initial unified theory of small engine repair and beekeeping.

“It was an epiphany, really,” Hoffmann said. “I realized that no matter what you put in, no matter what you take out, if you shake it all up and turn around, that’s what it’s all about.”

Forced to work in the shadow of possible copyright infringement because Roy Acuff owned the copyright, Hoffmann began applying his Hokey Pokey theorem to automatically predict the properties of subatomic particles and the forces that retain these particles. And the universe, together.

BSB colleagues say his work paved the way for physicists to understand how quarks, the smallest elementary particles in the universe, work.

“Without Hoffmann’s research,” says Gardiner Flange, associate professor of physics at BSB, “our understanding of quarks would remain strictly theoretical. Thanks to Hans, we now know that if you put a top quark in, then take out a top quark, and put a top quark in again, then shake everything up. And then if you do the Hokey Pokey, and you turn around. Eureka. That’s the whole story.”

Asked about the future of his Nobel Prize prospects, Dr Hoffmann said: “That’s the beauty of the Hokey Pokey. There’s always next year.